May 2010
32 posts
Has the chick on Castle lowered her drawbridge yet? That’s basically what the show’s about, right?
April 2010
31 posts
1 tag
1997
I remember that morning—March, unseasonably warm, sunlight raging. You were shockingly beautiful: only a year older than me but some vital fugitive margin beyond my grasp. It heartens me to know that wherever I am and whatever I become, you will remain that year older than me, star-fixed on the horizon, doing sensible things with your life that thrill me and bore me in equal measure.
The new Shrek posits the question: What if the first Shrek had never happened? Well, for one thing, Smash Mouth would never have won WWII and “All Star” wouldn’t be our national anthem.
I don’t know if this is a side-defect of my friends beginning to procreate but lately there’s been a marked uptick in speculation as to the nature and variety of my baby pictures. Is envisaging your grown friends as infants a natural psychological offshoot of baby-making? I’m not entirely sure how to break it to them that I’ve had my maniacally wisecracking adult head...
1 tag
“He piled upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and...”
– Melville, Moby Dick, ditto.
“My only love sprung from my only hate!”
– Shakespeare’s Juliet Capulet on the phenomenon of refried-bean swastikas.
“So the music stops, and the bar is closed, and the lights are all turned on...”
– Jonathan Dee, The Privileges
Eventually the only characters in Ian McEwan novels will be people who read reviews of Ian McEwan novels.
It’s a good night that ends with “good morning.”
Sometimes I mistake the Twitter Trends sidebar for a list of active AOL chat rooms.
It’s only a bit fucked up how happy a candle that smells like fresh laundry makes me.
1 tag
Baseball coach Hector Penate tells of steamy... →
“We had sex in Larry’s bed—a lot,” Penate said. “I had sex with Shawn while Larry was on TV. Our sex life was real good.”
This is officially the classiest thing anyone has ever said. Also, King’s youngest sons are named Chance and Cannon? That’s like naming one of your sons Viagra and the other Penis.
“You know, there’s a porn store for Android. You can download nothing but porn....”
– Steve Jobs. I don’t really have a stance on Apple’s stance on porn. If you want to get an erection porn on your iDevice there are still plenty of ways to do so; however, I enjoy the mischief in Jobs’ statement. (PS. SEXT U L8R.)
˙noʎ ʇnoqɐ sı ʇsod sıɥʇ
Did Spanking the Monkey have a tagline? Because it should’ve been “age is relative.”
Sibz
M: Your little brother [won another trophy or something] in varsity tennis.
R: I can hold the Tree Pose in yoga without falling over.
The light could not be clearer if the sun were...
It’s so beautiful outside that I want to put today in a time machine and fall in love with it during my freshman year of college even though I know it’ll end up breaking my foolish heart.
Ceci n'est pas un portmanteau
J: His dad's American and his mom's Iranian.
C: Right, right, he's Armenian.
R: You're really drunk.
2 tags
If Chinese hackers ever decide to bring down the Internet Movie Database they’ll probably want to start by adding some bogus yet plausible credits to Greg Kinnear’s early filmography. Are you completely sure he wasn’t in While You Were Sleeping? What about Nine Months? Mixed Nuts? Do you know where your children are?
Momentarily mistook a DirecTV channel guide synopsis of Mr. & Mrs. Smith for a King of Queens episode description. There’s a smoking crater where my head used to be.
Whenever I bring up the film industry in therapy my shrink somehow makes it about Anne Bancroft in The Graduate.
Sent from your what-now?
My mom just emailed me. From her fucking iPad. I fully expect to see a Cheshire cat performing fellatio on a Scottish terrier when I leave my apartment.
Friends
X: Jeez, how old is this episode?
R: It's from before Jennifer Aniston had her Jennifer Aniston removed.